And I do mean literally. As in they took out my heart and turned it off and messed with the wiring and then turned it back on again. Fortunately the old thing started up all right and the lights came back on, and the doctors let me out of the hospital and all I have left to do is the tenth-grade math required to figure out the deductible from a stack of bills thicker than the <<CAUTION!! ABSOLUTELY USELESS ETYMOLOGY LESSON AHEAD!>> And you’re lucky you got this far before I sprung one on you, because it was very hard to resist springing one with the word “literally,” but, literally, I figured you had to know by now what that meant. I was going to say “thicker than the phonebook,” but who has seen one of those lately? So the lesson here is one of attrition: we won’t be seeing this phrase all that often anymore. Sell your shares in Manhattan White Pages Telephone Book Paper Co. right away! <<END USELESS ETYMOLOGY LESSON>> stack of bills on your desk. Plus remember that I have completely lost the ability to do long division.
Plus remember that I haven’t written a word for months. For that I apologize. And this is going to be very short. That’s because I haven’t written a word for months. Did I just say that? That’s because I haven’t written a word for months. I keep saying the same thing over and over again. That’s because I keep saying the same thing over and over again. That’s because I have a lot of anesthesia still in my body. That’s because I just had major surgery in October.
In October, when I had major surgery, they ripped out my heart and did these three bypasses. That’s when they had to put a lot of anesthesia in me and sent me a stack of bills afterwards, the ones that are forcing me to do long division, about which I have forgotten how to do because I had a stroke two years ago, about which you might have read if you have been paying attention, about which I haven’t written much lately, about which I apologize. That’s because I still have a lot of anesthesia in my body, which has made me thicker than a Manhattan phone book, which you don’t see much anymore.
I’m not going to write much about that anymore. I did, however, come back from the dead recently. Literally. Strike two!